DAVID WAIN'S GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN
WHERE TO FIND THEM
Women are everywhere, if you know how to spot them. There are women in all fifty states even though in places like North Dakota they're bundled up so I guess forget North Dakota.
A great place to find women is the grocery store, for several reasons:
1) They love to shop.
2) They love food.
3) They love grocery stores.
Other places to find women: Banks, auto repair shops, landfills, aerobics classes, Cajun events, and public pools.
HOW TO APPROACH THEM
One good idea if you see a hot woman on the street, whip out your iPod and then walk by her and say, "Sorry I can't hear what you're saying, I'm listening to this podcast about how to manage having an oversized penis." She'll probably say something like, "Wow! Hey, want to grab a cup of coffee?" The best move here is to play hard-to-get. Say something like, "Sure--but later." Now you've got her under your web. Just remember to set a specific time and place or you may never see that chick again.
Always be yourself - remember no one can be more like you, than you. The only exceptions are if you're in some way not cool, or if you're not a celebrity. In these extreme situations, it's best to pretend you're a relative of a cool celebrity (e.g. John "Cougar" Mellencamp).
GET A PHONE NUMBER
I keep a set of cards in my wallet with my phone number (212-788-6879) and other pertinent info (hair color, hobbies, bone density). The fact that these cards have been pre-printed is an instant turn-on for women. I did mine at Kinko's and including a (free) paper bag to carry the cards, the whole deal cost me about $30. The goal here, ultimately, is to get HER number. Here are a few sample lines that will move you in the right direction, without overtly asking for the phone number:
• "What's your number, babe?"
• "Can I get yer number, or...?"
• "Say if you were gonna call someone, from what number would you be calling from?"
• "Three questions: How can you be so damn cute, what time zone is Denver, and what's your phone number?"
• "Oh man it's hot isn't it? What's your number again?"
THE FIRST DATE
Once you've got the first date, it's important to do everything right. My first step is to take a shower EVEN IF I've already showered that week. Make sure to powder up too, because heightened sex pheromones can make you clammy. It's important to pick a good place to meet that is casual yet impressive. Think: "Where would Bill Cosby go?"
If it's a dinner date, avoid any place that serves dairy or vegetables because these foods can be hard to digest, causing embarrassing situations where you have to make a crap, but you have to try to do it fast enough so it seems like you just peed. A good technique: give the woman an engrossing magazine before you go to the bathroom. She'll be so involved in the articles and features she won't realize you just sat on the toilet for ten minutes waiting for poo to come out. I find the best magazines for this are Mother Jones, Newsweek and Parenting: The Toddler Years.
IF YOU'RE NERVOUS
It's completely natural to be nervous on a first date with a nice lady like Natalie (or whoever you might be with). Just look at her while she's talking and picture her as an ugly ogre with huge warts coming out of open wounds all over her misshapen face. You'll now feel like the more attractive one between the two of you and should start to be more relaxed.
SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: YES OR NO?
I say yes, because I doubt there will be a second date.
HOW TO KNOW IF SHE'S "THE ONE"
If you can say "Yes" to more than half of the below questions, then she's the one for you:
--Do we share the same values?
--Do we sleep the same hours?
--Is she hungry for sex, even after lunch?
--Does she set up a pasta and ice cream sundae bar at the house when you come home from work?
--Does she wear tube tops?
--Does she have zero body fat?
--Does she make me feel like John "Cougar" Mellencamp? (Including praising your for your work on FarmAid)
IF SHE'S NOT "THE ONE"
There are no easy ways to end a relationship. But all women appreciate honesty and respect. For example say you've gone out with someone for six months, and now that you've gotten a taste of who she is, you've decided she's not "the one." Just stop calling her. When she calls you, don't answer. If she gets you on the phone by calling from a different (or blocked) number, say "Oh hey baby, been meaning to call you, but I'm on the other line, I'll give you a shout in a few" then don't call her back. She should get the message very soon. If she doesn't, you can make it clearer by identifying a close friend of hers and screwing the friend on the girl's bed at a time when you know she'll be coming home from work. This may hurt her feelings (or the friend's) but it's worth it because you've communicated your desires to be out of the relationship clearly and definitively.
SUMMING IT UP
Remember, meeting women is not easy, but if you stay with it, the rewards are endless. Some women are excellent Scrabble players, in some cases scoring nearly as high as their male counterparts. Plus if you're a man, and you're not gay, there's no better partner for sex than a woman. Take these tips and give them a try, I know you'll do great! Worst case it doesn't work and theirs always whores, internet porn and just being alone; all of which are excellent alternatives, each with their pros and cons. Good luck!